my phone needs a breathalizer
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
