I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
