Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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