WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize