I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I cannot find my penis.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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