Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
