The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
