I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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