Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
