I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
