it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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