i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
