I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
