my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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