is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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