she woke up with a sticky ear
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
