guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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