Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
