On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
