I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
