My hair reeks of homosexuality.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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