remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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