You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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