so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Two words: blizzard sex
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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