Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
