Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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