I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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