she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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