I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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