i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
