i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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