When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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