I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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