My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
