I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
