i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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