so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
