either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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