operation harelip BJ is a go
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
