I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
