i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
