Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I showed him my bush... on skype.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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