guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
