upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize