i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
