A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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