So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize