On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize