Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
