I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
