There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
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