Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
