i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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