I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
