I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
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