I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
