Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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