I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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