I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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