just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
