i may or may not be watching the land before time
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
