i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
