A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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