And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
