I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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